27 Reasons Why We’ve Lasted 27 Years

Tomorrow, Mike and I will celebrate 27 years of being married to each other. I’ve always like the fact that our anniversary falls on New Year’s Eve, the start of a fresh new beginning. That wasn’t completely intentional–the year we got married, we had the choice of Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve for a wedding that fell between two semesters of graduate school. We went with the latter because it seemed more festive, even though that decision makes most of our friends laugh now. (We are, to put it mildly, the exact opposite of party people.)

We were not-quite-25 the year we got married, and we certainly didn’t know much about what makes for a successful relationship. Still, somehow we muddled through the difficult early years of our relationship. Whenever I tell someone now that those first few years were contentious ones, I hear some version of the same sentiment: “I can’t imagine the two of you arguing about anything!” Believe me, there was plenty of arguing. I would imagine that’s true of every happy couple you know.

Statistically speaking, marriages are most likely to end during those difficult early years. That doesn’t surprise me at all, since that’s when most of the big negotiations that shape a partnership take place. And if you aren’t a good negotiator–if you don’t know how to both give and take–then you’re going to end up feeling alienated and unappreciated in your marriage. Nobody wants to feel either of those things.

I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers, when it comes to maintaining a marriage. I’ve only been married once, after all, so my body of knowledge is limited–and my particular marriage likely wouldn’t work for a lot of couples. But I’m pretty sure I can think of at least 27 reasons why this relationship has lasted for 27 years.

In no particular order:

1. Even after all this time, there’s no one else I’d rather hang out with at the end of a day. We’re good friends, in addition to all the other roles we play.
2. We make each other laugh. Even if the jokes are corny, making an effort to keep someone happy is always a good thing.
3. We talk. Not just the usual “How was your day?” conversation—we talk about everything. Current events. Things we’ve read. (We email each other articles of interest at least once or twice a day.) The family budget. Workplace drama. Even during the busiest times, when we hardly see each other during the work week, we take a couple of hours on Saturday morning just to drink coffee and talk about what’s going on.
4. We respect each other. That doesn’t mean just speaking politely (although that’s certainly part of it); it also means being true to your word. If you’ve said you’ll do something, you do it. If you’ve said you’ll show up at five, you show up–or call to explain why you’re late. Most importantly, though, it means never asking your partner to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself.
5. We don’t give ultimatums. No one can have that kind of authority in a real partnership.
6. We forgive each other. This is harder than it sounds, since it means not bringing up past behavior in a heated moment—but if you’ve truly forgiven someone, you’ve wiped the slate clean.
7. We compromise to avoid conflict, not in response to it. That’s why we own a house equidistant between our two workplaces, so one of us doesn’t end up feeling unfairly burdened by a long commute.
8. We make a concerted effort to avoid doing the little things that drive each other crazy. The things you’re willing to do every day–not the things you do once a year–are the best reflection of how much someone matters to you.
9. We believe in the power of small surprises. When Mike spontaneously picks up my favorite candy bar during a trip to the convenience store, that tells me that he’s thinking about me all the time.
10. And because of #9, we don’t stress out about the “big days” (Christmas, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, etc.) I don’t need to receive a mass-produced teddy bear hugging a heart to tell me that my husband loves me. I already know it.
11. We come up with a budget together, and we stick to it as a matter of respect. (See #4.)
12. We still say please and thank you.
13. We share every job–no task is one person’s sole responsibility. Whenever I start feeling annoyed about something that’s been left undone, I remind myself You could take care of it yourself, if it bothers you so much. If leaving things undone becomes a pattern, of course, then it’s not really about the tasks in question anymore. It’s about respect. (See #4. I’m sensing a theme.)
14. We don’t require “proof of love.” I can’t tell you how many marriages I’ve watched fall apart because someone said “If you really loved me, you’d do this.”
15. Rather than always dividing to conquer, we do the small things together once in a while: grocery shopping, going to the car wash, running errands, etc. Think about how much time you spend on the small stuff and you’ll realize why this matters.
16. When we do divide to conquer, we bargain on the specific division of labor: “Are you willing to do X if I do Y? Okay then, are you willing to do X if I do Y and Z?”
17. We accept the fact that really big decisions—whether to have another child, whether to buy a particular house, etc.—require a willing agreement between both parties. If one party is unwilling, that conversation is over. Bullying someone into a grudging concession isn’t partnership.
18. We don’t make plans without consulting each other first.
19. We recognize that we have different tastes and interests. Mike records American Horror Story and watches it when I’m busy with something else. I watched Wild on my own because I knew the movie wouldn’t be Mike’s cup of tea.
20. We each take pride in our partner’s successes and accomplishments, rather than feeling diminished by them.
21. We don’t speak badly of each other to our friends, colleagues, or family members. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re all sick of me singing Mike’s praises.
22. We don’t use gender as an excuse for doing (or not doing) anything. I’ve killed my share of bugs. Mike does his share of the laundry.
23. We don’t use arbitrary gender roles as a reason for unhappiness, either. There have been years when I made more money than Mike did; there have been years when Mike handled more of the child care than I did. Neither of these things was a problem, because we’re in this together.
24. We own everything jointly. A friend once told me that only her husband’s name was on the title to her car, and when I expressed surprise at this she said “I’m very secure in my marriage.” I’m not anticipating divorce by putting my name on the title to the car my husband drives; I’m assuming my fair share of the financial responsibility.
25. We make decisions about home décor jointly, too, since we both live here. I’m not expected to make those decisions by myself simply because I’m in possession of two X chromosomes. Nor do I expect to have the final say for that reason–we wouldn’t have red walls in the living room if Mike really hated red.
26. Although we’re very happy spending time together, we’re also entirely capable of functioning independently. We still take pleasure in the occasional solo trip. I loved having whole days to myself while I was on sabbatical this past semester.
27. We don’t believe in “happily ever after.” We’re both human, which means there will be good days and bad days for each of us—and, by extension, for our relationship. We trust that happiness will come around again, if we’re patient enough to wait for it.

Marriage is a constant process of negotiation between two fundamentally imperfect people. The important thing, I think, is the ability to enter into those negotiations in good faith, with your partner’s best interests at heart, trusting that your partner will do the same.