Ban the Shoulds

How many times a day do you hear yourself thinking (or saying) something like this:

I should get more exercise.

I should give her a call.

I should go to the grocery store before it gets too crowded.

Sound familiar?

I try not to use the word should in my daily life, but it’s a hard habit to break. It’s especially hard for those of us who grew up being encouraged to please others before we considered our own desires. Not surprisingly, that group of people tends to include a large number of women.

Historically, the word should derives from an Old English word, sceal, which suggests both obligation and debt. (There’s a reason why the 10 Commandments, when translated into English, featured this word: the clear intent was to suggest obligation, not choice.) So when we use the word should today, we’re indicating both that we owe someone a debt and we’re duty-bound to repay it.

But how often is that actually true?

Look at the three examples above. To whom do I owe a trip to the gym? Why am I duty-bound to give my friend a call? What happens if I don’t go to the grocery store before it gets crowded? On what debt am I defaulting?

Without question, there are people to whom we have real obligations: our children, our partners, our parents, our employers and colleagues. But if you think about it honestly, should is more often than not part of the language of fear. We say should when we’re afraid of the consequences of own choices.

What happens if I don’t get more exercise? My health suffers–and it’s my own fault. What happens if I don’t make that phone call? Someone’s feelings may be hurt as the result. And if I don’t go to the grocery store ahead of the crowd? I’m making life more difficult than it needs to be–and I will have no one to blame but myself.

We say should when we don’t want to do what we think someone else wants us to do, or when we don’t want to do what we know makes sense.

But why speak the language fear? Why not speak the language of power instead?

Look what happens when you ban the shoulds:

I’m going to get more exercise.

I’m going to give her a call.

I’m going to the grocery store before it gets too crowded.

Suddenly, you’re making decisions. And of course you might ultimately decide not to pick up the phone—maybe that call can wait until tomorrow. You might decide not to go to the grocery store right now—maybe that trip can wait another day as well. The point is, when you ban the shoulds, you’re operating on your own power. You cease to act on a sense of obligation. And, perhaps, you stop feeling guilty about the actions you’ve decided not to take.

It’s never a bad idea to think about others. In fact, thinking about the ways in which our behavior impacts those around us is an essential part of living in a civilized world. We all have an obligation to be good stewards of the world we share, to be kind to each other whenever we can.

But thinking of life as a series of debts that need repayment–or a series of obligations that aren’t being met–puts us in the position of feeling inadequate and encumbered every moment of our lives. It’s no wonder fear creeps in when we spend our days feeling like we’re insufficient to the task at hand, whatever that task might be.

So give it a shot. Just for today, ban the shoulds. Speak the language of your own power, and see what happens.