Finding a Way to Shine

Today’s post comes from guest author Allyson Bright, creator of Determined to Shine, a community of women who are determined to live their best lives possible by recapturing their creativity after trauma. This post is part of a series called On Her Way–each of these posts features a woman telling her own story in her own words. If you have a story of transformation to tell and would like to be featured here, please get in touch via the Contact link above.

I am never quite sure where this story begins. In college, when I met the man I thought was the one and only love of my life? On the day he proposed? On the day we married? On the day we moved into our first home, where we planned to spend our lives and raise our children?

All of those days matter, but the day that changed my life forever was the day I found my husband’s body, lifeless in our home. When I was just 31, my husband took his own life. He had demons and struggles I’d known nothing about, but it was too late. I was a widow.

My world was shattered, and I had to find a way to figure out what was next.

I spent several months going through the motions. I went to work, I came home, wept, and went to sleep. In the morning, I’d weep some more, get up, and go to work again. The cycle continued.

After about six months, I left my day job. I said I was leaving to start a business. I was so utterly broken, and I knew I could help other women who were hurting, too. While that would eventually be true, at the time, it turned out I just wasn’t ready. I spent a solid two months sleeping all day, recovering my body from the trauma I’d faced. The next month, I lost my cousin – just a year older than I was – to breast cancer. The grieving began again.

I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know how to make decisions on my own. One day, mostly on a whim, I packed my bags and went to Kansas City for a week. It was my childhood home, and I hadn’t been back since second grade.

I wasn’t sure why I went – only that I needed, somehow, to find a way to do something on my own. I visited my childhood home, my old elementary school, and my favorite Kansas City landmarks – most notably, Kauffman Stadium, home of the Kansas City Royals. I’d fallen in love with sports in that stadium, and experiencing it once again was as magical as I’d hoped it would be.

When I headed for home a few days later, I was changed. In Kansas City, he was not waiting for me around every corner. We hadn’t eaten at these restaurants or walked these streets. This was a place that was mine alone.

After only one day back at home, I knew that it was no longer the place for me. I had been spending all this time trying to piece my life back together, but that life couldn’t be repaired. I needed to leave the pieces on the floor and go see what might be waiting for me behind another door.

Six months later, I found myself crying in a parking lot outside a hotel in Madison, Wisconsin. I’d closed on my house the day before, planning to live with my parents until life told me where to go next. It was my wedding anniversary, and I’d come up for a job interview at the University of Wisconsin-Madison the following morning.

I’d sold my house, nearly all of my furniture, and half my possessions. I had left behind the state I’d called home for the past 14 years. I was terrified that I’d made a horrible mistake, and that it was a mistake I wouldn’t be able to fix.

The next morning, recovered from my evening meltdown, I went to my interview as planned. From the moment I walked into the building, I knew. Something just felt right. The woman who had set up all of my interviews was confident and kind (she’d later become my very best friend in the state.) The building felt like a place I could feel like home. After the interview, I went and placed a security deposit on an apartment in the area. I just knew.

Sure enough, it was less than two weeks later when I packed up my car and headed north. I loved the job. I loved the university. I made good friends and even fell in love again. Madison was becoming a great new place to call home.

Two years later (in what felt like a blink of an eye), I felt that dream calling my name once again. I’d done a lot of healing and I knew it was time. I handed in my resignation, and five weeks later, I was self-employed once again. Except this time, I was all in – and Determined to Shine was born.

I now spend my work days creating classes to help women rediscover their creativity in order to bring empowerment and emotional healing. I listen to their stories. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I watch them heal and move forward. I have peace in knowing that of all the things I could be doing in this world, this is the work I am meant to do.

It’s been four years now since that horrific day. While I won’t say that my work makes all of the pain worth it, it sure comes pretty close. And that is something beautiful, indeed.

 

Use coupon code “shedwells” for 20% off the Be Your Own Inspiration class at Determined to Shine!

 

Allyson Bright is a a long-time scrapbooking teacher  and the author of two Idiot’s Guide books: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Scrapbook Projects and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Altered Art. Allyson holds a BA in English literature from the University of Iowa and an edX certification in The Science of Happiness from the University of California, Berkeley. She recently launched Determined to Shine, a site featuring online papercrafting classes focused on experiencing emotional healing and personal growth.

 

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