Setting a Course for Your Future Self, Part 1

About a year after my dad passed away, I remember my mom lamenting “I just don’t know my purpose in life.” She was nearly 80 years old by then. She’d spent her entire adult life as a wife and mother. When my siblings and I grew up and left home, it was hard on her. But then my sister had children, so there were grandkids to fill the void–for a while, anyway.

Then those kids grew up, too, and my dad passed away. That’s when my mom found herself wondering what other purpose her life might have. Unfortunately, she never came up with an answer to that question. The fact that she lived only four years longer didn’t surprise me, in spite of the fact that my mom was in very good health for her age.

I thought about my mom a lot while reading Karl Pillemer’s article,  Ask the Aged. He argues that spending our lives in pursuit of a single “unique and compelling purpose”–no matter what that purpose might be–is misguided. Rather, after speaking with people at the far end of the life spectrum, Pillemer argues for the importance of  thinking about purpose as something that will change: we will have multiple purposes as we live our lives. Instead of finding a purpose, the people he spoke with recommended finding a “general direction.”

What’s the difference between a purpose and a direction? The important distinction is that a direction can be changed. A purpose is more like a calling–with or without the spiritual significance we often assign that word. It’s something we feel, not something we do. If you’ve ever thought This is exactly where I’m supposed to be right now, you’ve probably encountered your purpose. For a moment, anyway.

I really like the thought of having multiple purposes in life. It helps me understand why I always felt the importance of having both a family and a career: on some level, I think, I always sensed that a single purpose was not sufficient. I wanted to be both a good mother and a good professor. I never wanted to choose between the two. And, as my kids grew up and became more independent, I was glad to have another purpose to focus on.

The idea of purposes also helps me better understand the difficulty my mom had with moving forward. She only ever thought of herself as having a single purpose, even when it wasn’t relevant to the current phase of her life. Although a mother is always a mother, what that role means has to change as her children age. My mother couldn’t celebrate the empty nest. Instead of focusing on the possibilities it made room for, she saw only the absence it contained.

So how do you find the direction that might lead you to a sense of purpose? Pillemer recommends “interviewing your future self”–finding someone who has done what you want to do. Are you hoping to go back to college and finish the degree you started when you were 18? Find a woman who did that. Do you want to quit your current job and open the business you’ve been dreaming of? A person who made that same leap will be your best guide.

Pillemer suggests finding a future self who can offer “the long view,” meaning someone in their 70’s or 80’s. I think I might disagree with this point, though–it seems to me that someone in her 80’s might not be able to offer the kind of specific advice that someone in her 50’s or 60’s could. This would be especially true if the younger person has recently made the exact move you’re contemplating. Seeking out both practical advice and the perspective of someone at the far end of the life spectrum strikes me as a better strategy.

I wish my mom had been able to connect with her future self. If she’d encountered that person in her 50’s or 60’s–if she’d been able to understand how important it was to think about who she wanted to be in her 70’s–then, perhaps, the later years of her life would have played out differently.

I’m determined to think about my future self right now. I want to make sure I’m moving in her general direction. Otherwise, there’s no telling what destination is ahead of me.

Keep reading! You’ll find Part 2 of this post here.