Wouldn’t Change a Thing (Part 1)

Today’s first installment of a two-part post comes from guest author Amy Jackson. This post is part of a series called On Her Way–each of these posts features a woman telling her own story in her own words. If you have a story of transformation to tell and would like to be featured here, please get in touch via the Contact link above.

 

I’ve been divorced since 2008.  When I talk to people who knew me while I was married, they  tell me “I  don’t have any clue what you saw in him” or “I could never understand why the two of you were together,”  Another common question is  “What were you thinking?”

And my response is always the same: “I was young and dumb . . . young and dumb.” My marriage wasn’t a marriage of love; it was a marriage due to a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

I was always the fat kid. The fact that somebody was paying attention to me and thought I was pretty when I didn’t believe that was huge. I figured, who else is going to be interested in me? So I clung to any person who showed interest.

We met while I was in college, got engaged within six months and were together for three years before we got married. I thought I was in love.  But in hindsight . . . I wasn’t.

I should’ve  continued on in school and bettered my degree. My mother pushed for me to continue school and get a Master’s degree, but I wanted no part of it. I wanted to start my life. I wanted to get married.  I wanted to have a child before I was 30.

So I got married at 24.  Right before the wedding, I had some serious doubts. I should’ve listened to  my women’s intuition.  I should’ve known better, but I didn’t. I was too afraid to tell everyone that I didn’t want to marry him.  I thought it was wrong to stop it after everybody had bought gifts and  planned to come.  Not to mention all the money we’d socked into the wedding.

I was wrong.

Fast forward: we have a house and a 1 year old son. I have gained a lot of weight and am extremely unhappy. Fighting between us starts easily and often.  But thankfully, a few years later, something clicked.  Something made me realize that this wasn’t what I wanted.  I started exercising and met a fantastic trainer named  Joe who sat me down and said “You have the knowledge and know what to do to make serious changes. Why are you holding yourself back?”

I knew how to exercise; I knew what I needed to do. That is my profession. I’m an athletic trainer.  I help people rehab injuries, and show them the exercises they need to  get better. Yet I wasn’t doing that for myself.

I took what he said to heart and thought about it.  What I realized was that I was really unhappy with my life. I loved my son, but I didn’t love my marriage. And now I felt trapped.

It wasn’t until my husband  and I had a big argument while I was in the car with my mother that I opened up and said “UGH! ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET A DIVORCE!”

That’s all it took.  She said “Okay, let’s do it.  If that’s what you really want, we’ll make it work.” We discussed my options, and for the first time I didn’t feel trapped.

It obviously didn’t happen quickly.  We tried counseling, but it  became apparent within a few visits that it wasn’t going to work. There was a very significant change that needed to happen, and he wasn’t willing to let that happen.

So we got divorced. But the divorce came at a price, and that price was me keeping the house.  Of course, I had horrible timing.  The divorce process began right at the beginning of the housing market collapse in the US, and selling the house was obviously not going to happen.

Again, I felt stuck. The sale of the house was the only thing impeding our ability to finalize the divorce.  So the question was: keep the house that I couldn’t afford? Or keep the marriage that I couldn’t stand?

I got rid of the husband and kept the house.

By now, I’d lost some weight. I was at a friend’s party and she introduced me to a friend of her husband.  My initial thought was “WOW! He’s handsome and out of my league!”  Funny enough, a few months later I found out he was interested and we started dating. We were great together. We never argued, we enjoyed each other’s company, we were great friends.

Sounds great, right?  So what was wrong?  He had commitment issues, which led to several break ups and heartaches.

However, my marriage and the follow up boyfriend taught me many things and I managed to find myself. I gained self-confidence, self-esteem and a sense of self worth.  I finally was able to realize that I am pretty.  I am strong.  I can handle whatever life throws at me.  Prior to this point there had only been two times that I ever thought I was pretty: my high school senior year photo and my wedding photos.

During one of those many breakups, my boss, a married man I highly respect, asked my why I was was so upset.  He said, “You can have any guy you want, why are you broken up about him?”

I must have looked at him like he had two heads and thought he was crazier than anybody.  What was he talking about?

My boyfriend and I got back together a few months later and I asked him what he saw in me. He had several things to say, but he too, said that I was pretty. Ultimately, that was the first time that I ever considered being pretty a possibility.

I’d lost some weight, I was divorced, I had  a boyfriend I originally perceived to be  out of my league, and realized I was pretty.  Everything shifted. I was becoming more confident and I had more self-esteem.

I spent 7 years on the dating roller coaster with that same guy.  Honestly, we broke up so many times I lost count.  Obviously, my self-improvement had hit a bump in the road.  I mean, why did I let him back so many times?

But finally, I decided that I deserved more. I made sure our last break up was the last.

 

Watch for Part Two of Amy’s story next week.

 

Amy Jackson is the founder of www.learnblogphotography.com, where she empower bloggers to ditch stock photos and learn to take their own. She also offers “Done For Your” stock photo services for those who don’t want to learn to take their own.

Amy is a single mom to her 13-yr old son, who happens to share her passions for both skiing and photography. Amy is proud to be able to leverage her lifelong creative outlet and teach others how to benefit from photography.

 

You can also find her at:

Facebook: LearnBlogPhotographyPrivateMembersClub

Twitter: LearnBlogPhotog

Instagram: LearnBlogPhotography

Pinterest:  LearnBlogPhotog

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