5 Friends You Don’t Need

Because I’m an introvert, I’ve always struggled with making friends. I rarely strike up a conversation with a stranger, and I tend to be reserved. That doesn’t inspire others to reveal their secrets to me. I feel like going out approximately twice a year–and then, only for about fifteen minutes. But I realize it isn’t fair to expect someone to be my companion for half an hour per year, so mostly I don’t go out with anyone other than Mike. (Fortunately, he enjoys going out about as much as I do.)

But I try hard to be a kind person, and those friendships I do have tend to be the sort that have lasted for the long haul. They’ve endured through things like relocation and changes in marital status. Many people fall out of touch over the years, but it’s actually easier for me to stay connected to someone when there’s some distance built into the relationship.

We keep in touch via Facebook or email. We’re there to support each other in hard times. If we live close enough, we offer to house sit or bring dinner when emergencies arise. Other than that, we don’t have many expectations of each other.

And that’s a good thing. Truth be told, I find many people exhausting. That’s why I simply don’t cultivate friendships with certain types of people anymore. The most important thing I’ve learned from being an introvert is that there are lots of friends you just don’t need in this world.

For instance:

The Gossip. You know this person–the one with the scoop on every situation at work, at church, in the neighborhood. Sometimes the information is wrong, but The Gossip will pass it along anyway. Spreading information is The Gossip’s mission in life.

Rather than worry about what Gossips are telling people about me, I just don’t tell them anything. Refusing to be a provider of information–The Gossip’s life blood–makes me an unappealing friend. If I find myself in a situation where I must listen to be polite, I redirect the conversation toward empathy. I refuse to revel in others’ misfortune. That’s usually enough to shut The Gossip down.

The Warning Siren. This is the person who’s always on high alert. Huge layoffs are coming! Susan is about to get fired! Jenny’s doctor found a lump! The Siren’s mission is to warn people about impending danger, supposedly giving them time to prepare. But actually, The Siren is the Chicken Little of friends.

Like The Gossip, the information that The Siren works from is frequently baseless. Asking lots of questions (Who told you that? How would that even solve the problem?) is usually enough to silence Sirens. They feed on panic–refuse to feed them and you’ll find yourself being warned far less often.   

The Big Bummer. If you’re happy about something, The Big Bummer will find a way to cast a shadow of doubt. On the other hand, if you’re unhappy, The Bummer is delighted to commiserate. And if you’re making plans to improve your life, The Bummer will patiently explain why that plan is doomed to fail.

Because The Bummer is never wrong, I don’t waste time arguing. I just keep smiling and move along. Bummers don’t seek out people to depress–they simply dismantle whatever hope and happiness comes their way. Although The Bummer seems like a really good person to have on hand when you’re ready to throw yourself a pity party, keep in mind that Bummers don’t know when the party’s over. You have to throw them out. And sometimes, that’s easier said than done.

The Hot Air Vent. This person is easy to identify by their signature phrase: I’m just venting. The Vent looks for people who are willing listeners. If you, like me, are a person who listens more often than she speaks, The Vent will find you.

It doesn’t hurt to listen, of course. That’s one of my better skills. But The Vent will suck all the air out of a room–and chances are, you enjoy breathing. The only way to shut down The Vent is to interrupt. It doesn’t matter whether you’re asking questions, commiserating, or adding your own anecdote. The Vent likes to talk. If you make that difficult, they’ll find somewhere else to do it.

The Undercover Nemesis. Perhaps the hardest to identify, The Undercover Nemesis claims to be your friend but cuts you down in ways that provide maximum deniability. The Nemesis is fluent in passive aggression. For instance: if you tell The Nemesis that you’re going back to work full-time after years of staying at home with your kids, their reply might be “Wow, you’re brave–I could never do that. I’d miss my kids too much.”

You may hear The Nemesis say something like “That’s not what I meant” when you point out the clear implications of their words. That’s why sarcasm–a close cousin of passive aggression–rarely works as a foil. Instead, make it clear you got the message The Nemesis was sending: “I’ll miss my kids a lot, but I’m still really excited about this new job.” Then change the subject and focus on the positive benefits that job will present. The Nemesis is only interested in your defeat; refuse to be defeated and they’ll lose interest.

 

When I think about the friendships that are really important to me, I realize they were never based on going out for drinks, going shopping, or doing any of the things TV commercials tell us are the basis of friendship bonds. The people who are and have been my friends are the ones I can rely on to back me up when I’m in the middle of a rough patch. They’re the ones who reach out when they know I need them, rather than waiting to be asked for help. They want me to feel better, not worse. They’re the kind of friends everyone should be lucky enough to have.