My next door neighbor lost her husband earlier this year. I’ve been trying to keep an eye out for her, to be a listening ear whenever she needs one. I’ve also been trying not to treat her as a person who can’t take care of herself simply because she doesn’t have a husband anymore.
A good friend is dealing with a difficult situation involving one of her grown children. I try to empathize and be a strong shoulder for her to lean on, but ultimately what she’s dealing with is a very private family matter. Every day, I walk the line between trying to be supportive and intruding where I don’t belong.
Friendship is hard sometimes, especially if you’re an introvert. It can be challenging to balance your natural tendency to retreat with a friend’s need for your presence. Still, as we grow older, it becomes more likely we’ll need to help our friends get through a rough patch. To survive the death of a parent, spouse, or child, To weather a divorce or financial setback. To get through a health crisis. The longer you’ve had a friend, the more likely it is that you’ll need to be there for that person in a time of need.
Being there sounds like an easy thing, doesn’t it? Just be present. Make yourself available. But there are actually many ways in which our presence can be unhelpful to those going through a difficult time. Over the holidays especially, many people feel the need to be there for us in ways we might not welcome.
Having survived the loss of both of my parents in the last five years, and having talked to many friends who’ve gone through various types of crisis, I can offer the following suggestions for being there in helpful ways.
Ask how you can help.
Instead of assuming your friend needs something specific, ask what he or she needs. If you call and say “Let me know if you need anything,” you’re making that person ask for your help. No one likes to do that. On the other hand, if you just show up with dinner and your friend already has a refrigerator full of food, your gesture ends up being more of a nuisance than a kindness.
Instead, offer specific ways in which you can be there: “Can I bring you dinner tonight? Or I’d be happy to just hang out for a while, if you’re up for company.” Provide the opportunity for your friend to accept or decline your suggestion. That offers some measure of control over a situation that might feel unbearably chaotic.
Remember that it’s not about you.
Many people want to be helpful in times of crisis because that’s just their nature–they’re the helpers. They want to organize the meal train, be the conduit through which updates flow to others, be the shoulder to cry on, etc. But keep in mind that moments of crisis are not about giving you the opportunity to shine. Nor are they about convincing your friend that helpers like you must be accepted and appreciated.
On the flip side of that coin, some people (I count myself among this group) are inclined to say things like “I wouldn’t want a bunch of people around, if I were in that situation. I’d just want to be left alone.” This provides an excellent excuse for not being there when a friend needs your help. It’s easy to think of this as kindness. But what I would want is irrelevant when my friend is in crisis. If she needs company in a dark time, it’s my job to be there for her.
Keep on being there when everyone else is gone.
When my mom died, I received so many condolence cards in the mail. It was a great comfort to know that so many people were thinking of me while I struggled to come to grips with being an orphaned adult. But the card that meant the most to me was the one that arrived six weeks later, the one that included a note which began “The funeral is over, and by now the sympathy cards and flowers have stopped arriving–but you’re still grieving the loss of your mom.”
I don’t even have the words to tell you how much it meant to know that a friend was still thinking of me six weeks later, when everyone else had gone back to their normal lives. That’s the hardest part of a difficult time–pushing forward in a world that doesn’t seem to acknowledge your struggle. It doesn’t take much to be the friend who understands this.
Get over yourself.
If a friend is seriously ill, you may not want to visit for fear that you’ll say the wrong thing (or have nothing to say.) You might be uncomfortable confronting the physical changes your friend has gone through. Or, if your friend is dealing with another sort of crisis–like the loss of a child–perhaps you’re worried that your own tears will upset them.
No matter the excuse you’re making for not being there, recognize it for what it is: a rationalization for putting your own discomfort before your friend’s needs. You will never regret being there in a time of crisis, but you may well regret your decision to stay away. Save yourself that grief. Show up for the person who needs you while you can.
If being there for each other were as easy as it sounds, we’d all be surrounded by a cloud of supporters every day. But the fact that we have to make the choice to do it–and to work at being there in helpful ways–is a good reminder that our presence is the very best thing we have to offer each other in this difficult world.
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