Breaking the Rules

Have you spent your whole life hearing certain rules repeated over and over again? I’m not talking about basic safety rules; I’m talking about the social rules that are specific to women. Rules about how we should dress, behave, speak, and generally carry ourselves through the world.

It goes without saying that some rules change on their own.  For instance, I can’t tell you the last time I put on a slip underneath a skirt. (As a friend once observed, “What’s the worst that will happen–someone will see a bit of leg? Oh God, not the leg!“) Others are more stubborn and difficult to deal with, like “A lady crosses her legs when she sits down.” This is so much a habit for me that I don’t even think about it. Every single time I go to the doctor’s office, I have to be told to uncross my legs before a blood pressure reading.

Still, this is clearly a rule specific to women. Men are ridiculed for crossing their legs in the “feminine” style. And, of course, women who sit in a “masculine” way–leaning forward, elbows on their knees, legs not tightly pressed together–also get a negative reaction.

I’m certainly not going to argue that we should all start manspreading. However, some rules clearly need to be revised–or even removed from the imaginary rule book once and for all.

For example:

Never walk alone after dark.

By now, most of us probably know that women are far more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone known to them. But somehow, many women don’t translate this into the knowledge that “If a guy is walking you home, you’re more likely to be assaulted by him than by a stranger in the bushes.” It seems crazy, I know, but you’re statistically safer walking alone than with a man who is known to you.

Obviously, if that man is a deeply trusted friend or family member, the situation is completely different. My point is that this rule needs significant revision: walk with another woman, walk with a large dog, etc. The idea that the presence of a man equals safety is inaccurate and dangerous. Women need to know that.

Don’t say more than you absolutely have to.

I once read an article in a women’s magazine that said “An enigmatic woman drives men wild.”

Ahem.  First of all, not every woman is actually interested in driving men wild.

Second: if you don’t want to know what I think, why are you even around me? We all have opinions. Not all are created equal; some are supported by facts while others aren’t. But words and opinions are not the purview of men.  Silence is precisely what allows the creation of a world in which women are paid less for doing the same work that men do, subject to laws that don’t affect men’s lives (but are usually created by them), etc.. Silence is the most effective tool inequality has at its disposal. 

I’m much more interested in building a better world than driving anyone wild. So I’ll keep talking, thanks.

No short skirts after [insert age].

People have different cutoff points for this rule, but the general idea is that after a certain time in her life, a  woman can only wear skirts that hit below the knee–and the farther below, the better. A profesional woman I respect and deeply admire recently said “No self-respecting woman over 50 should be wearing skirts that show her knees.” It’s a good thing I wasn’t wearing a short skirt that day, as I often do (even now, at 57.) I would have been deeply hurt, because I actually do have a great deal of self-respect. Along with a good number of short skirts.

I would suggest this revision to that rule: If you feel good in it, rock that fashion. I like the look of an A-line skirt that hits just above the knee. I plan to keep wearing them until that changes.

No long hair after [insert age].

This is a variation on the previous rule, but the same principle in action: after a certain point, women are supposed to change their appearance in deference to their age. I don’t know why. Actually, no one does. (And  by the way? The woman mentioned above has beautiful, silky hair hanging halfway down her back. I hope she never cuts it off.)

Wear your hair the way you want. When you feel good, you look good. It’s really that simple.

There’s no excuse for a woman to have gray hair.

I stopped coloring my hair several years ago. I didn’t ask anyone’s permission. I didn’t offer my stylist an “excuse” for making the change. I just said “I think I’m done. At least for a while.” And she nodded her head and suggested some ways to work with my natural roots as they grew out.

No woman needs permission to let her hair go gray. If you prefer not to, also fine. But that choice doesn’t make any woman superior to the one who makes a different choice. Being your “best self” has nothing to do with covering up a fact of aging; it’s about being faithful to your own sense of what’s best. I colored my hair for many years because my natural color changed after my kids were born, so I chose one that made me feel better about the person I saw in the mirror every morning. But I happen to think my sparkly gray highlights now look fabulous as a contrast to my natural color. 

 

No doubt you have a list of “rules” for women ringing in your ears. Most of us do. But if you can’t come up with logical reasons for following them, then breaking those rules might be the best thing you can do for yourself.