Some time ago, I wrote a post about overcoming imposter syndrome–getting past the fear that “they” will find out the truth about you. You know which “truth” I’m talking about, right? You’re a fraud. You’re not deserving of anything you’ve accomplished. You’re certainly not as cool as anyone might think you are. (Of course, you’re fairly certain that no one really thinks you’re cool, no matter what they might say.)
As a younger person, I wasted a lot of energy worrying about what “they” thought of me and trying to be worthy of their approval. But one of the most wonderful parts about middle age is that I’m really no longer afraid of what others think about most things. Of course I want to do well at my job and earn the esteem of my colleagues and students–that’s just part of being a professional. Of course I want to stay out of jail, so I put on clothes in the morning–even when I really, really don’t feel like getting dressed. But beyond these very basic things, I really don’t care. It just doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of my taste in music or movies, what I’m planning to eat for dinner, my plans for the weekend, or a whole bunch of other things.
People often look askance when I say this. I’m pretty sure there are lots of folks who just don’t believe me. Most of those people are, I’m fairly certain, plagued by a concern for what others think.
So, in the spirit of walking the walk rather than only talking the talk, here’s a list of facts about me . Make of them what you will. And why not make a list of your own? You’ve got nothing to lose but shame, which is really just fear in disguise.
Favorite color: Currently, orange. My “favorite” color tends to change with some frequency, though, so I’m not sure I really have one.
Irrational fear: Dolls. I do not want them looking at me. I’m fairly certain this stems from a viewing of “The Doll” on Night Gallery when I very young. (This is not the same episode as Talking Tina. “The Doll,” as I remember it, was much worse.)
Favorite weekend activity: Cooking or gardening, depending on the season. Reading is a contender as well.
Favorite cheap bottle of wine: It’s a tie between Middle Sister’s Rebel Red blend (which is almost impossible to find, these days) and Woop Woop Shiraz. Each less than $10.
Guilty pleasure movie: Where the Heart Is, starring Natalie Portman and Ashely Judd. I know it’s ridiculous. I know it trades in stereotypes of the south, and of women. I still love it. (“Novalee, nothing could be better than you.” <Sob>)
Egregious health violation: I used to be a smoker. Yes, after years of nagging my father to stop smoking.
Balancing act/hypocrisy: I was a dedicated vegetarian the whole time I was a smoker.
Favorite junk food: Before I had to switch to a gluten-free diet, it was raspberry-coconut Zingers. Now, it’s Pirate’s Booty White Cheddar Cheese Puffs. Don’t even try them if you have an addictive personality.
Obsession: I really, really like things to be organized. I used to alphabetize my yogurts by flavor, lining them up on the door of the fridge so I’d know whether or not I had a cup of blueberry just by looking in the B section. I’m not that dedicated anymore, though I do have a place for everything–and I do get really annoyed (sometimes panicked) when things aren’t where they’re supposed to be. I cannot imagine where else those things would be, if they aren’t in their appointed place. Lost keys, for example, send me right over the edge.
Thing I find annoying to no end: Food snobbery. Perhaps when we live in a world where everyone has enough to eat, there will be room for arguments about the quality of people’s choices–but probably not. Even Julia Child was a fan of the humble cheeseburger.
Best thing ever: Kappacasein’s toasted cheese sandwich in London (available at the Borough Market.) Yes, I went to London and ate grilled cheese. It was divine.
Non-negotiable: Punctuality. Don’t expect me to be pleasant if you don’t respect my time.
Favorite flower: In nature, rain lilies. In a vase, daisies.
Most overrated flower: Roses.
Lucky number: 5. Mike and I had our first date on May 5th, or 5/5.
Favorite family memory: The first time Mike and I took our kids to the beach. That was almost 20 years ago, and still I can’t remember my son being that happy on any other day of his life.
Favorite time waster: Netflix, of course.
Currently binge-watching: The most recent season of Jane the Virgin.
Thing I’m supposed to love but actually hate: Shopping. Which is why I subscribe to Stitch Fix.
Thing everyone else loved but I didn’t: Breaking Bad.
Terrible habit: Taking up new hobbies, or starting new projects, and losing interest in them before I finish anything.
Most recent new hobby: Crochet. I’m enjoying its meditative quality.
Share your own facts (these or others) in the comments!
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