February Challenge: 28 Days of Independence

Today is February 1st and, in keeping with my word of the year, it’s time for a new challenge. This month we’re going to focus on independence.

Why independence? Because February is the month when Valentine’s Day cards and ads and sales make many people feel like they’ve failed, in some way, by living life on their own–no matter how fulfilling and rewarding that life might be. And because independence means so much more than just doing things on your own. Even for those of us who are married or in long-term relationships, it’s difficult. Independence means taking care of yourself, listening to your inner voice, doing something that only you enjoy (at least once in a while.) It means remembering that you have an independent self who exists apart from your partner, your children, or anyone else.

That’s particularly difficult for women. We’re taught from an early age to focus on other people, to put their needs and concerns before our own. And while it’s a wonderful thing to be selfless–it’s something I aspire to do as often as possible, actually–it’s also important to remember that there’s a self inside each of us who also needs to be nurtured, too.

And that’s a very easy thing to forget. Several years ago, for instance, I was teaching a class on “Women’s Coming of Age Novel.” In many cases, that coming-of-age happened fairly late in a female character’s life. One of my students stayed behind to talk to me after class. She was a non-traditional student who’d come back to college to finish her education after many years of marriage, many jobs, and raising three children into their teen and adult years. She was an excellent student, committed and insightful. And she was struggling with the new demands on her time–primarily because her husband was used to having her take care of everything at home. He wasn’t willing to take on some responsibilities that had, up to that point, been hers alone.

“How do you know when thinking about what’s best for you is a good thing and when it’s just selfish?” she asked me that day.

“How can it ever be selfish to think about what’s best for you?” I asked. “How can we take good care of others if we don’t take the best care of ourselves?”

Easier said than done, of course. But when we neglect that self, we’re just creating a situation in which we’re destined to be unhappy. If we don’t have our own goals, our own dreams, our own delights–the very basics of what makes a human being happy–then we’re destined to be lost when the people we take care of move on. When they grow up, or pass away, or just decide to move in a direction that doesn’t include us, we’re left not knowing how to fill our days. There’s no one around to tell us what needs to be done.

That’s what happened to my mom, at the end of her life. And doing what I can to make sure that doesn’t happen to any other woman is the reason why I started this blog.

So my February challenge focuses mainly on these areas:

1. Getting comfortable with spending time alone. This is something many people, especially women, struggle with. But if you believe you’re a good companion for others, then why is your own company so difficult to enjoy?
2. Paying attention to our own preferences, rather than always putting others’ favorite things first.
3. Allowing the occasional small indulgence, like buying yourself  a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store. (I had to talk myself into buying a package of cozy lounge socks at Costco last month. Socks! This is how hard it is for me to do something nice for myself.)
4. Paying attention to the things that please us, whatever they are.
5. Creating time in our schedules for ourselves, rather than hoping that time will present itself (which, as I think we all know, very rarely happens.)

As I said last month, this challenge doesn’t need to be completed in order. Nor does it need to be completed precisely–if you want to take yourself out for Sonic happy hour instead of lunch, by all means, go for it. Fulfill the spirit of each day’s task; don’t get hung up on “doing it right.” This challenge is about remembering what makes you happy and feeds your soul. And I’ll be checking in with everyone who takes this February challenge on the She Dwells Facebook page, so be sure you’ve joined our community if you’re following along.

I did my best to make this a challenge that works for everyone, though I know exactly how difficult it is to find 30 minutes for yourself in a day filled with toddlers. If you’re looking at my challenge and saying to yourself “There is no way I could do any of these things,” I’ll just point out that I went through graduate school and wrote my doctoral dissertation with two preschoolers in the house. I wrote a novel with two elementary school kids in the house. As I tell my students, “You’ll do whatever you’re committed to doing. If you don’t care about it, you won’t get it done. If you do care about it, you’ll do what it takes.”

I hope you’ll commit to caring for yourself this month–developing an awareness of your independent self and learning that you can be excellent company not just for others, but for yourself as well.

Download the printable 28 Days of Independence Challenge!