I’m six weeks into a new semester, and I am swamped. Not with piles of grading–the point at which things start piling up is just in the offing. And not with the multitude of forms and reports that have to be filled out at the end of every academic year–those, too, are somewhere on the horizon.
No, I’m just swamped with life, in general.
You know what I’m talking about. I know you do. Sometimes, it’s all just too much. So today’s Five for Friday list is about the time-wasters I’m going to try very hard to eliminate from my life for the next week or so–those habits of mind that bring us to feeling overwhelmed by the task of simply moving forward. If I can manage to get these things under control for a week, maybe I can figure out how to manage them for the long haul.
In no particular order:
1. Anger. Yesterday I got some upsetting news at work. I was literally on the verge of tears, and not because the news was so life-changing that it deserved a good cry–I was just angry. I wasted most of the day feeling that way, and then I came home and sat in a chair and prepared to feel that way some more.
Then the rational part of my brain kicked into gear and I decided to use my anger for good: I went to the gym and pounded away at the elliptical machine. By the time I came home, I was just feeling disappointed and annoyed. I’d managed to turn down the heat on my emotions, at least, by not allowing anger to suck up any more of my time than it already had. It’s not always easy to just get over yourself and do what’s good for you, but yesterday’s example was a pretty good illustration of the fact that it’s a really good idea.
2. Regret. Lately I’ve been going through a period of wishing I’d done some things differently with one of my kids, when they were younger. I keep thinking about current problems that might have been avoided, if only . . . If you’re a parent, you know how this goes. And you know that once you get started, it’s pretty hard to stop beating yourself up. Parenting is a difficult business on the best of days.
But I’ve decided to start giving myself a version of the mini-lecture I used to give my kids, all those years ago: I did my best. I really did. If it wasn’t good enough, they’ll have to take it up with a therapist. At some point, you just have to give your adult children responsibility for their lives. That’s very hard, when they’re struggling. And this doesn’t mean you abandon them–there’s always room for being supportive. Just not directive. At some point, you have to acknowledge that they’re in charge now.
3. Not asking for help. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spent hours trying to make something work–or minutes looking for something at the store–when I could have saved myself that time just by asking a simple question. My tendency not to do this is exacerbated both by the fact that I’m an introvert who doesn’t like to talk to strangers and by the fact that, as a professor, I’m used to being the person who knows things. So it’s ridiculously difficult for me to admit when I don’t know something. But I’m going to start asking for help when I need it, because I simply don’t have the time or energy to waste on being wrong again and again and again.
4. Worry. Not long ago, I saw a meme on Facebook that said something like “Worry is a misuse of imagination.” I love that. It does such a good job of encapsulating exactly what worry is: imagining the worst case scenario, rather than the best. If you’ve seen Olympic athletes envisioning themselves making a perfect run down a ski slope before they actually do what they just imagined, then you know how powerful the mind can be. Worry sucks time and energy away from doing our best. I’m going to start envisioning the best case scenarios, instead, and use my imagination for good.
5. Trying to fix hopeless situations. I have never excelled at knowing when it’s time to walk away from a situation that isn’t going to improve. Sometimes I stay involved because the issues at the center of that situation are really important to me. Sometimes I stay involved because I think I have a solution that will work, if I can just figure out how to get people motivated. And sometimes I stay involved simply because I’m ridiculously stubborn.
But, quite often, the time comes when you need to face the fact that some situations are not going to improve. Not right now, anyway. And your current involvement in that situation simply becomes a waste of time that could be used to deal with other situations–those that actually do have the potential to improve. I’m just now learning that it’s possible to walk away and still let people know that you care, that you’re available and willing to help, but you’re not going to do this anymore. Whatever this might be.
Here’s to a peaceful and rejuvenating weekend for all of us.
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