Five for Friday, May 6: Good Guys Edition

I knew from the start that Mike was one of the good guys. How, you ask? It might have something to do with the fact that he immediately tried to be helpful to me–he offered to take care of my goldfish, mail and plants one weekend that I was away at a conference, for instance. This was even before we even knew each other very well, long before I’d considered him as someone I might be dating in the future; we mostly just hung out with the same group of grad school friends.

This past week, Mike and I celebrated the anniversary of our first “official” date. We remember the day, I suspect, only because it was Cinco de Mayo, which is easy to hold in mind. But in honor of that auspicious occasion, which changed the course of my life, I’m devoting this week’s Five for Friday list to helping you identify the good guys when you meet them.

In no particular order:

Good guys don’t judge. I grew up with a mom who watched soap operas while she was at home all day, and as a result of that I grew into a young woman who also watched soap operas. You can probably imagine how this was regarded by most of the people with whom I went to graduate school. One young man I admired, hearing me talk about some plot point on As The World Turns, said “Soap Operas? I’d have thought you were better than that.”

There are many ways in which our tastes differ, but Mike has never once said anything of that sort to me. (As it turns out, we’d both grown up watching As The World Turns.) I’m confident that he never would. Where our preferences in music or TV or movies separate us, we just give each other the space to enjoy those things in peace. There’s no need–or room–for being judgemental in a good guy’s heart.

Good guys are thoughtful. It’s not uncommon for Mike to make a run to the convenience store for ice or milk and come home with a little something extra–my favorite candy bar, or a pint of ice cream he thinks I’ll enjoy. And even though we’d agreed that our upcoming trip to Antigua was all the gift we’d give each other for any occasion this year, Mike bought me a little something to mark Cinco de Mayo anyway: this ceramic coaster for my home office.

Good guys don’t have be extravagant to show you that they’re paying attention. It’s obvious. In fact, it’s often the small and meaningful gifts that matter the most. Good guys know this.

Good guys are there. When I called to tell Mike my dad had been diagnosed with cancer, he left his campus in the middle of a class and came home to be with me. When I called to tell him I’d been in a car accident several years ago, he was out the door and on his way to the accident site almost before I had the chance to tell him that a state trooper was giving me a ride to my office, so I didn’t have to wait for a ride on the side of the highway.

Good guys don’t ask “Do you need me?” They just show up.

Good guys know you. This connects with the idea of being thoughtful, of course, but it’s even more important in the way that it allows the good guy to overlook those moments when you aren’t being your best self. Mike knows when my bad mood is evidence of a real problem that needs to be resolved and when it’s momentary, the product of a bad day or a delayed meal. He knows when, even if I’m snapping at him, it has nothing to do with him at all.

I’m certainly not suggesting that good guys must be willing to deal with bad behavior whenever we dish it out. I’m just noting that a good guy is a big enough person to realize that people are fallible, and when bad behavior is an aberration, grace and forgiveness are more appropriate than accountability.

Good guys do the right thing. We were at Costco last weekend when one of the guys handing out samples commented that he needed a trash can nearby. Mike offered to go grab one that he saw at the end of the row, but the sample guy asked him not to–store policy, liability issues, etc. The trash can was right there, but Mike didn’t want to get anyone in trouble, so he left it where it was.

Another sort of guy would have insisted on being “helpful” and created a problem. Mike knows the difference between doing what you think is right and doing the right thing.

This is just one example of many. I can’t tell you how many doors I’ve watched Mike open, how many cranky children he’s entertained in line at the grocery store. A few months ago, we waited in the longest line to check out at Target because Mike wanted to be be the person standing behind a woman in traditional Muslim dress, just to prevent someone from taking that opportunity to harass her.

Good guys don’t do what’s right for themselves. They do the right thing, period.