Getting Unstuck

Several years ago, I decided to take up yoga. I had two preschool children, a full-time job, I was working on my doctoral dissertation–I needed something in my life that wasn’t a source of stress, something that actively worked against the stress. So I bought a two-pack of videos and dedicated myself to developing a yoga practice.

It worked wonders immediately. But a few weeks later, talking with a friend who’d been practicing yoga for years, I laughed about one of the calming phrases the video instructor used: Feel your brain soften.

“I really don’t need a softer brain,” I said. “The non-stop Barney videos are taking care of that.”

But my friend didn’t laugh. “I suppose it sounds kind of silly,” she said. “But think about all the times your brain grabs hold of something and won’t let go. Haven’t you ever gone over and over something in your head, even though you know you can’t change it? That’s what she means when she says Feel your brain soften. She means Get yourself unstuck.”

That moment was a revelation. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling stuck–whether it’s when you’re looking at a number on the scale that simply will not budge, or re-hashing a moment of conflict that happened years ago (my favorite midnight activity), or agonizing over a decision that has to be made–then you know how unpleasant it is to feel out of control. We all have those moments when we feel like nothing we do will make a difference.

But that’s rarely true. We can almost always work on getting unstuck.

How?

Be honest

We often get stuck when we’re lying to ourselves. Because we aren’t acknowledging the truth, we have to keep re-convincing ourselves of the lie.

For instance: some years ago, I made a comment at a work meeting that I should have kept to myself. Several of my colleagues called me on it. I was deeply embarrassed, but instead of just acknowledging my mistake and apologizing, I tried to justify it. And for years afterward, I returned to that moment in an effort to convince myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

But not long ago, that moment came to mind again. And this time I told myself Knock it off. You know you were wrong. Stop trying to make it okay.

Honestly, that was all it took to get myself unstuck. Thinking of that moment right now, I’m having no emotional response at all–no shame, no regret. It’s finally in the past, where it belongs.

Revise the story

Lies are one kind of story we tell ourselves. Excuses are another.

As I’ve mentioned before, I struggled with weight issues for many years. There was no end to the number of stories I told myself about this: I can’t lose weight because I don’t have time to work out. I have small children and it’s not fair to deprive them of treats. I learned these bad eating habits when I was a child. I had many more, but you get the idea.

I revised those stories when I started making time to go to the gym, stopped eating junk food, and started a food blog (now defunct) that focused on making healthy family meals. Instead of telling myself the story that ended with me being stuck where I didn’t want to be, I revised it to get unstuck. And when you revise, as it turns out, your story often has a different ending.

Acknowledge your fear

Being stuck almost always centers around fear. The problem is, fear doesn’t always look like being afraid of something.

What do I mean? Not long after I took up running as a means of managing my weight, my next-door neighbor saw me working in my front yard and came over to ask, “Did Mike stop feeding you or something?” It took me a moment to realize that he was commenting on the fact that I’d lost a lot of weight.

I didn’t connect this encounter to the fact that I got stuck in a non-running rut shortly afterward. That is, not until I looked back and asked myself why I’d stopped just as my routine began to show results. That’s when I realized that I was stuck because of those results. I don’t think of myself as a woman who cares much about her physical appearance–so when that appearance actually drew someone’s attention, I was scared of what I’d become.

Once I figured that out, it was easy enough to get unstuck by reminding myself that exercise is about being healthy. I know in my heart that this is true. That I look better in my clothes is a pleasant secondary benefit, but it was never enough of a motivation to make me go to the gym. Remaining strong and self-sufficient as I get older–that’s my only goal.

Stop, Drop, and Roll

I’m not talking about fire safety here. I’m talking about the fact that getting stuck sometimes has to do with not giving ourselves the time we need to solve a problem and come up with a solution. 

When you find yourself feeling stuck, stop what you’re doing. Drop into a chair, onto the couch, wherever you do your best mental work–and drop whatever else you’re doing–and give the problem your full attention. Think it through. Be honest. Consider how you might revise the story. Acknowledge your fear.

Then roll out your plan and make a change.