When you read the title of this post, your first thought might have been I never argue–what a waste of time. Many of us (especially women) are taught to conflict-avoidant. Argument feels like the opposite of that; it’s engaging dispute head-on.
But the word argument is deeply misunderstood. On the most basic level, it simply means having an opinion. When lawyers make an argument in court, they’re expressing an opinion and explaining how legal precedent led them to that conclusion. When the Supreme Court hands down an opinion, it carries the weight of law.
All of us have opinions. Even those friends who insist they’re neutral in all matters have opinions–they just don’t want to share them. And that’s mostly because we think of argument as a negative thing.
Argument conjures up all kinds of unpleasant images. That’s because we think of it as being synonymous with disagreement, and we think of disagreement as a place where we disconnect. It doesn’t have to be, though. Argument is a very human thing: we all have different minds and life experiences that lead us to different conclusions. An argument is simply a statement of that conclusion.
We’re living through a time in the United States where people have forgotten how to argue effectively. Instead, they’re speaking and behaving in ways that are informed by feelings–which is always a losing proposing. If someone says I’m not going to wear a face mask because it’s uncomfortable, scientific data isn’t going to change their opinion. Science has nothing to do with comfort.
Which brings us to my first rule for arguing effectively:
Know your audience
My own rule is that I don’t argue when a change of heart isn’t possible–and that includes my own heart. I make an argument only when I feel like my audience is open to listening and when I’m open to considering a different point of view. There is absolutely no point in making a pro-mask argument to the person who refuses to wear a mask but still enters a store where face masks are required. They’ve already heard and rejected that argument. Game over.
Learn how to handle the truth
Some of us come from families where the open exchange of ideas is part of the fabric of family identity, so we learn how to argue early on. That was not the case for me. I had to learn about argument the hard way–by being called out (usually by friends or teachers) on opinions that made no logical sense, or that were totally inconsistent with other opinions I’d expressed.
At first, I resisted hearing those opinions. I just stayed silent around people who were inclined to call me out. But slowly, I learned that it was a good idea to surround myself with people who were willing to question my opinions. They helped me to think carefully before I spoke, for one thing. And they helped me avoid embarrassing myself in situations where uninformed opinions might have had serious consequences.
Choose your moment
Questioning the argument that someone is making sometimes results in hurt feelings. One person feels attacked or judged for expressing a particular opinion; the other feels ashamed of causing those uncomfortable feelings. That latter outcome is why so many people avoid conflict altogether. We might think I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but really what we mean is I don’t want to feel bad for hurting her feelings.
Most of us have a good sense of whether someone is open to reconsidering an opinion. If not–as I noted earlier–let it go. But if you’re pretty sure a colleague, friend, or family member is open to the conversation, go ahead and present your own argument in a safe space where an honest conversation can unfold. (Usually, that means speaking in private rather than in public.) But when you do . . .
Focus on facts, not feelings
Let’s say you’re having a conversation about whether businesses are right to mandate face masks for shoppers. If your argument focuses on the efficacy of wearing face masks in public, there’s no room for offending the person who thinks this policy is pointless. I’ve actually seen quite a bit of research suggesting that face masks are the most effective tool we have in limiting the spread of the virus. They’re not perfect, but they’re better than nothing. There’s no way for your conversation partner to dispute whether or not you’ve seen this evidence; that’s a question of fact.
As soon as the argument veers into the territory of feelings–I’m not going to let some store manager on a power trip tell me what to do–it’s time to wrap up or redirect. Which direction you decide to go depends on your conversation partner. But if you’re pretty sure they’re open to listening, you might ask something like Store managers tell you that you have to wear shoes and a shirt–how is telling you to wear a mask any different? Now you’re redirecting: from the negative feeling to the fact that we allow ourselves to be bossed around every day.
An effective argument is supported by factual information, rather than feelings or perceptions. The next time your find yourself avoiding a difficult conversation, take a moment to consider whether it might be worthwhile. It’s not always welcome, but it might plant the seed of a new idea in the mind of someone who’s willing to listen.
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