The Introvert’s Guide to Making and Keeping Friends

I’ve always been the sort of person to have a small handful of friends. Because I’m an introvert, it’s not in my nature to spend a lot of time being social outside my family. And I don’t see this as a character flaw–at least, not anymore. I understand that it’s just how I’m wired.

But this means I have to develop friendships with people who understand my nature. I’ve learned the hard way that some people find it completely unacceptable. If I’m not a priority in your life, then you’re not an option in mine someone recently posted on Facebook (after I had, apparently, turned down an invitation to socialize one too many times.)

Well, okay.

These are the facts: I’m not going to hang out on the phone and chat for hours. I’m not joining you for girls’ night out. And seriously, it’s not you–it’s me.

But I get it. Introverts can be difficult to understand. I’ve spent my whole life hearing people say things like “I always thought you were stuck up because you’re so quiet, but you’re actually really nice!”

Lord knows, I try. But because it’s hard for me to connect with people socially, I try to follow these guidelines. They’ve helped me make some good friends without hurting too many feelings.

Make sure you have something meaningful in common.

Working at the same place doesn’t count. Nor does going to the same church. If we don’t spend our free time doing the same kinds of things, chances are we won’t have much to talk about when we get together outside of our shared context. And that means our interactions are going to take on the character of small talk.

Ugh.

Sometimes it feels like “being polite” and accepting the occasional invitation is better than always saying no. But the fact is, if you say yes once in a while, declined invitations are going to feel more personal–like a negative assessment of the last interaction.

If you’re inclined to, just say no.

Make sure there’s a reason for staying in touch.

Good friendships are mutually beneficial. Mike and I have always lived far from our extended families, and for that reason we had to cultivate friendships with people we could trust implicitly. (When you need an emergency babysitter, trusted friends are invaluable.) We did this knowing we’d need to do the same for our friends.

But as our kids got older and more self-sufficient, many of those friendships fell by the wayside–those that haven’t include another basis of connection (mutual friends, a professional network, or something else.)

Letting go of a friendship you’ve outgrown isn’t rude; it’s a healthy way of managing your energy. And it doesn’t rule out catching up now and then.

Make sure guilt plays no role in the relationship.

If you’re spending time with someone because you feel guilty for not doing so, you aren’t cultivating a friendship. You’re performing a duty.

An imaginary duty.

No one is required to maintain a friendship. There’s never a good reason to be rude to anyone, but there’s a difference between being unkind and drawing a line when you share no meaningful connections. Letting guilt persuade you to spend time with someone will only lead to resentment. That’s not part of any healthy relationship.

Make sure the relationship is empowering.

People enter our lives for many reasons. Sometimes, as I said above, they do this because they need the help you can provide. Sometimes they do this because they have a story to tell, and you have fresh ears. Sometimes they do this because hanging out with you makes them feel better.

Each of those can be a good reason for a friendship to develop. But if someone needs more help than they’re willing to offer in return, that imbalance becomes a problem. If someone’s tale of woe is never-ending, the relationship becomes an emotional burden. And if someone feels better about themselves only after pointing out the ways in which you’re inferior–well, that needs to stop.

 

Making friends is only half the battle, of course–maintaining them is another story. There are three things that help me maintain the circle of friends I hold dear:

Sharing a communication style

A former student–one who graduated into being a good friend–happens to live in my neighborhood. We’re both deeply introverted, but we continue to communicate via Facebook and Messenger. I made her a small gift for her birthday, and I messaged to tell her when I’d be leaving it in a gift bag on her front porch. She had done something similar for me just after she graduated, leaving a thank-you gift outside my front door.

I know there are people who will find this ninja gift-giving weird, but it works for us. It’s one of the reasons why we’re able to remain good friends.

Making small gestures

The gift I mentioned above is one such gesture. Marking significant dates in someone’s life (with a card or text, for example) falls into this category as well.

For me, friendship isn’t so much about going out for drinks as it is about reminding people that I know and care about them.

Being dependable

When a relative dies suddenly and you need someone to feed your cat while you’re away–as the friend above did, some years ago–I’m the one you call.

When you have to work late and need someone to watch your kid, ditto. I won’t come to your Pampered Chef party, but you can count on me when things get tricky.

 

I spent years believing that a large friendship network was necessary to a happy life. What I realized, eventually, was that a small number of close friendships did make me happy. When we accept that introverts draw positive energy from time alone–and learn how to direct that energy toward friendships that feed our souls–we take better care of ourselves and become better friends to those we love.