I always love receiving your comments on blog posts, whether they’re left here, on Facebook or Instagram. Once in a while, I even get a personal message from a reader. I always answer those emails. Sometimes my answers turn into posts that I share with the whole She Dwells community. My post on how to go back to college is one example of that process in action.
I always wish other readers could know they aren’t struggling alone with their questions, though–whatever those questions might be. So I’ve decided to start a regular feature, Reader Mail, in which I publish a message I’ve received and my reply. How often I do this will depend on how often I receive messages from community members.
Here are the ground rules:
- I will never publish a private message without your explicit permission.
- I will always protect your anonymity.
- I will edit your message only for length and clarity (if necessary.)
With those rules in place, here’s the first message I want to tackle.
I really appreciated the blogs you wrote about getting kids ready for college. They helped a lot! My son started college last fall. His father and I (divorced) didn’t go to college and really want that for him. We did our best to give him a good start but his first semester was a disaster. He failed all but one class. When I asked him what the problem was he said “he didn’t know.”
Over the Christmas break we talked about what he needs to do different. He said he didn’t want to go back to college but his father and I agree he should stick it out for a year. I told him things will turn around if he makes a better effort. Do you have any tips for him?
I need to start off by being honest: you probably aren’t going to like what I have to say.
I struggled with a similar version of this dilemma during my son’s first year of college. His first semester wasn’t quite as bad as what you’ve described your son experiencing, but it certainly wasn’t great. Being professors, my husband and I gave him concrete advice for how to turn things around–seek out tutoring, get involved with some activities on campus (making the right friends can lead to positive peer pressure), and talk to your professors before you get completely lost. We were confident that he’d be fine.
But his second semester wasn’t better. In fact, it was worse.
Your son has told you what he needs to do: take a break from college. And I really do understand why you and his father don’t want him to do that. You’re afraid he won’t go back to school if he drops out now and loses momentum. You’re afraid his future options will be limited. I don’t know you in real life, so I can’t say for sure, but you may also be afraid that people will judge you for not doing a better job of preparing your kid to succeed in college. (I certainly was–I took my son’s struggle very, very personally.)
But the most important thing you can do right now is remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you can’t live your son’s life. Whatever choices he makes, he will be responsible for the consequences. If he leaves college and doesn’t go back–that’s his decision. If he leaves college now and goes back later–again, his choice. You can’t force him to do well in college, but you can certainly spend a lot of money trying to.
The only thing you can do, really, is be supportive. Then set whatever boundaries you think are appropriate.
My son decided to leave the university where he’d started his college career and move back home. We made it clear that living at home was an option only if he were going to college or working full-time. So he decided to enroll for classes at a nearby community college. I wasn’t crazy about this idea, for a number of reasons, but we let him take the lead.
And guess what? His grades improved dramatically. That, in turn, gave him the confidence he needed to do well when he transferred to a different four-year university. He graduated magna cum laude last spring–and I’m pretty sure that’s because we let him navigate the journey.
When we push our kids, we usually do so with good intentions. But even good intentions have negative consequences. Some years ago, for example, I worked with a student who had moved into a dorm on campus and enrolled for her first semester of college–hundreds of miles from home– knowing she was pregnant. Neither of her parents had gone to college; they were so proud to provide their daughter with this opportunity. She couldn’t bring herself to tell them the truth and crush their dream.
I told that student what I know to be true in my heart: most parents just want their kids to be happy. Sometimes we think we know how to make that happen, but sometimes we’re wrong. We’re only human. We’re flailing around and trying to do what’s best, like everyone else.
So, my advice: listen to your son. Set some boundaries, but let him take the lead. He may not end up following the path you cleared for him, but what really matters is that he knows you have confidence in his ability to manage his life. Who knows where that confidence might lead.
If your student struggled with their first semester of college but wants to try again, check out this post for some suggestions on how to encourage their success.
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