The holiday season tends to be heavy on social engagements. You might have a party at work; your partner might have one as well; there might be social events with friends, events at your place of worship, even the occasional birthday party or two (which often doubles as a holiday gathering.) For those of us who are introverted, this kind of non-stop contact with other human beings can be a serious drain on our energy.
That’s right: socializing takes energy. Extroverts often don’t realize this because they actually draw energy from social interactions. Introverts, on the other hand, draw energy from being alone–often in silence. Neither of these orientations toward the world is right or wrong; they’re just different ways of being human. They make certain things easier and others more difficult.
Holiday gatherings, for an introvert, definitely fall into the More Difficult column.
Fortunately, there are some ways introverts can make the holiday season a little more bearable.
Fill your tank.
As I mentioned, introverts draw energy from being alone. If you’re going to party in the evening, spend the preceding day alone as much as possible. Don’t fill it with errands and other things that require spending time around people, even if that’s your usual routine.
If you find yourself double- or triple-booked for a particular day (the holiday season is notorious for this), do your best to build in breaks between events. This might mean cutting short your attendance at one event or the other, which is an added bonus.
Think about whether you have to go.
Sometimes you just do. Office parties, for instance, are often non-negotiable because they’re networking opportunities in addition to being social events. But sometimes you don’t–and there’s no need to feel bad about declining an invitation.
Is the host a good friend or close family member? Will your presence be missed? If the answer to these questions is Yes, then see above: fill your tank and go. But if the answer is no, take a moment to think about what will happen if you don’t attend. Quite often, the answer to that question is nothing at all. Send the host your regrets and move on.
Think about whether you want to go.
My knee-jerk reaction to most invitations is Thanks so much for the invitation, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it. When I respond that way without taking a moment to consider the option of attending–to think about who’s likely to be there, and whether or not I’ll enjoy catching up with that crowd–I sometimes regret my decision later. That leads to feeling left out. Worse yet, you will created that feeling yourself.
This is where introversion can, in fact, become a problem: when it keeps you from doing things you might actually enjoy. So when you receive an invitation, take a breath and think it over before you respond.
Revisit your conversation skills.
I’m often grateful for the fact that I lived in a sorority for a while when I was in college. Although introverts do not belong in sororities, and my tenure there was short-lived, one of the benefits of that experience was Conversation Practice. (I’m not kidding. We practiced making small talk.) This skill was primarily put to use during sorority rush, but it also came in handy when alumni, professors, or other important people visited the sorority house for social occasions.
When I know I’ll have to attend a event where small talk is likely, I remind myself of some basic techniques. These include The Question (in which you repeat the last few words of someone’s sentence, effectively asking them to provide more information), The Introduction (which welcomes a new party into the conversation, spreading out the responsibility for the conversation), and The Backtrack (in which you go back to something your conversation partner mentioned earlier, asking them to elaborate.) Having those skills at the ready makes me less worried about being perceived as an inept conversationalist.
Hide in plain sight.
Once you’re at the social event, there are several ways to take a moment for yourself. Inspect a piece of art on the wall. Peruse the books in the bookcase. Interact with you host’s cat or dog. Do whatever you need to in order to disengage from human contact for a few minutes. If you’re feeling panicky, focus on taking some deep breaths while you disappear for a moment. And, should someone start a conversation with you at this point, it will probably be about books or art or animals–something much more interesting than the usual small talk.
A variation on this strategy that’s useful for long visits with family is planning an outing to a place that discourages talking: to the movies or an art museum, for example. This allows you to spend time with your family, but avoid constant chatter. (As long as your family members respect the rules about things like talking during movies, of course.)
Get out.
If you’re at someone’s house, wander outside and survey the yard or view from a patio or balcony. If you’re visiting family for a long vacation, take a walk–go to a park, or just wander through the neighborhood. You’re not leaving; you’re just getting out of the throng long enough to refill your tank.
Introverts do not hate people. Those folks are called misanthropes, and you will never see them at a social event. Introverts simply need to take their interactions with people in small, less frequent doses.
If you see a friend standing outside, alone, on a balcony or patio during a party, do not go outside and ask “What’s wrong?” (unless he or she appears to be in distress, of course.) Do not assume that someone who is alone needs to be saved. It’s entirely possible that a little solitude is exactly what that introvert was looking for.
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