My word of the year for 2021 is Open, and when I made that choice I really had no idea how many ways it was going to impact my life. I thought about being more open to the idea of accepting help from others, which is something I’m not good at. I also thought about being more open to the idea of asking for help when I need it. That’s another thing thing I don’t do very well.
But I had given no thought to how, exactly, I might remain focused on my word of the year. Until yesterday, that is, when it occurred to me that Hey! I write a blog. Maybe I could use that to create a level of transparency between my action and intentions.
So here’s my inaugural Word of the Year Check-in for 2021, an open account of the struggles and solutions I encountered during the very long month of January.
Anxiety
I know many people are struggling with this during the pandemic. Early in the month, I actually gave some thought to contacting my doctor and making an appointment to talk about getting a prescription for anxiety medication. I’ve always known this is something I might need to do. My mom struggled with anxiety throughout her life, more so as she got older. I have other family members who take medication for anxiety as well. It’s just part of how we’re wired.
But before I did that, I decided to evaluate the sources of my anxiety, to see if they were things I could reasonably control. I quickly identified several daily pressures that were working against me, rather than for me. For instance: I re-dedicated myself to keeping a daily journal at the first of the year. But the truth is, I’m really not a journaler. So that became a task that I wasn’t completing–which, in turn, became a source of anxiety.
The solution to this problem (and several others, it turns out) was pretty simple: I gave myself a break. I deleted a habit-tracking app from my phone, which made me feel pressured to “keep up” with goals I had set for myself. (It also made me feel nervous about breaking a “streak”, turning even my good behavior into a source of stress.) I stopped reading a blog that was making me feel unproductive. I get a lot done every day–just not the things that blogger manages to do. Because I don’t live that blogger’s life.
Ultimately, I decided to hold myself accountable for only two daily goals. The first is writing in a gratitude journal, wherein I record one thing I’m grateful for each day–just one sentence, or even one word. Sunshine. Flowers. Etc.
The other is using the My Fitness Pal app to keep track of what I’m eating. Mindless snacking has always been my nemesis, and its power has only grown since I started working full-time from home. Doing those two things makes me feel better, not worse. And once I cleared the deck of things that don’t make me feel better, my anxiety became much less of an issue.
FFTs
If you aren’t familiar with this acronym, I strongly recommend listening to the first episode of Brene Brown’s magnificent podcast, Unlocking Us. If you object to coarse language, you might not appreciate the acronym. You might, as Brene suggests, prefer to use TFTs: Terrible First Times. But, I confess, I’m a fan of the occasional F-bomb, so I will be calling them FFTs.
I have been dealing with a lot of FFTs lately. For instance, it’s the first time I have taught an entire semester of classes online, via Zoom. (The original plan was for one of my classes to meet in-person, but COVID had other ideas.) I taught half of the semester remotely in the fall, but that was after having a chance to get to know my students in person. This time around, I’m teaching the whole semester remotely. That means I’m trying new things, making an attempt to be good at this. I’m not just dealing with an unexpected crisis situation, during which I might be excused for not being at the top of my game.
It’s hard. Every single day feels like an FFT, in one way or another.
2021 will also be the FFT I’ve filed our taxes since Mike retired on Social Security Disability Income. Getting approved for that sort of income is a really convoluted process that I’m not even going to try to explain here. But because of the way that process works, I had to contact a CPA–which was a very big deal for a person who has math anxiety. Talking to someone who is not only good at math, but who makes a living being good at math for people with lots at stake? Opening up to this person about all the stuff I don’t understand? Especially when I make my own living being the person in the room who understands things? That was really hard.
But I asked a friend to recommend a tax professional, and the person I ultimately spoke to was great. In fact, she told me that I might not need to pay a CPA to do my taxes; it could be that I just need a consultation, wherein she can answer my questions and assure me that I’m doing things right. That will save us a significant chunk of money–and her honesty about this helped to assuage my anxiety. (When you don’t know what you’re doing–the hallmark of any FFT–it feels very easy to make a costly mistake.)
I could add to this list, but suffice it to say that the month of January has felt like one huge FFT and I’m ready to have things better under my control. Here’s hoping 2021–unlike its immediate predecessor–shapes up to be a year that makes this possible.
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